(Originally Posted to Facebook on October 2, 2014)

I'm afraid that just a fb post would end up being too long. So, I'm doing an almost old fashioned 'note' on here. I just want to share some of the joy in the midst of our tragedy for folks who have been praying for us. First is the continued strength each day because of your prayers. We could seriously not get up each morning or put one foot in front of the other without you all going to God so often on our behalf!!! If you do not know, there are probably hundreds of people some in other parts of the world praying for us so much. I am amazed and humbled by the awesome friends we have, the praying communities we and you are a part of, and the power of God to sustain us. Just wow. If it were up to me, I'd be curled up in a ball in the corner and just not come out. But my life is not my own and ya'll are continually helping to hold us all up. Second, but not less important for sure, are the lives that are still being influenced for God by Kyle's influence. I don't feel free yet to give names because I know at least one individual needs to let their family know. But there has been an older boy accept Christ in our area because of Kyle's testimony. Then. last night at the memorial service in Caledonia, there was one teen that came to Christ and one that is now going to get help for suicidal thoughts. Praise Jesus that He is able to save and make whole. Please, hear me when I emphasize that all the good we get to experience through this horrible time is from Kyle's positive example and God's amazing character and love for us. I cling to all the stories I hear of Kyle befriending kids that others don't usually, how he constantly told girls they are beautiful without makeup and such, how he displayed his faith, etc. etc. etc. Wow, what an awesome 14 year old! My baby. The only thing I want anyone to glean from Kyle's actual death are the warnings for parents and children on how to avoid this pain in their own lives. So, through our pain we are able to accept the joy that God is graciously giving us. Lastly, I want to convey the mission that we are beginning to clue into through our pain. We desperately want kids and parents alike to know that secrets kill. I have said this to several already but just feel like I could scream it from the mountain top if given the chance. These sweet babies of ours cannot handle all that the world throws at them by themselves. I hope the students affected by the loss of Kyle are able to be there for each other, but that for matters they need help with that they will please, please, please, go to someone more spiritually mature than themselves. Donavan keeps hoping to get across that any embarrassment or shame they may feel about any issue or sin can be overcome by the love their parents have for them not to even mention the redeeming power of God. Folks, Kyle really did have everything -- a family that loved him, salvation from God, and friends that cared about him. He just needed direction for some issues we didn't know about. He had the most powerful weapon in the universe but didn't have the knowledge to access it the way he needed to. It was like having a light saber and not knowing how to turn it on. Kids, tell someone with more knowledge than you what's going on and get the help you need (someone you actually know, not just some 'friend' online, please), because you are loved and have a purpose for your life through Christ! Parents, be even more nosey about what your child is doing especially online. We thought we had filters and safeguards in place but we were behind the curve and it cost us too, too dearly. Please, just hear this broken mommy's heart that only wants good for these dear children and loving parents. Thank you so much all of you for continuing to hold us up in prayer and for just loving us and showing us how much you loved Kyle too. The honesty, brokenness, and just realness you have used to love us with has been amazing. Just thank you for bearing our pain with us.

 

Devi

Matthew 5:14

John 10:10

 

 

 

2

(Originally Posted to Facebook September 11, 2016)

Four years ago today these pictures were taken. Kyle smashed on the field then hopped up with the band to play drums during the game after his.
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kyle-football-pic-mville-2012 kyle-band-pic-mville-2012

For the rest of my life, I get to regret the times I won't get to watch him play football or listen to him play music. Suicide robbed me and everyone else of what we all enjoyed about Kyle and just simply Kyle himself. I won't forgive suicide. Ever. I forgive Kyle and even continue to work on forgiving anyone that knew he was struggling with depression he didn't let us, his parents/family, know about. But I will never forgive (nor am I called to) the evil of suicide and depression. I can choose to wage war on the evils that attack those I love and any around me that need help. This I do by sharing opportunities to be involved in awareness activities like the upcoming Out of the Darkness Walks, providing concerts to share hope for those hurting and just being available when I'm emotionally able to share hope and warnings with others. I miss my Kyle and grief overwhelms me lots (and I do mean lots). The smile you may see on my face isn't exactly fake; it just takes lots of internal work to put it there each day. I've noticed this grief in missing my baby has robbed me of the usual optimism I had before, my feelings are more easily hurt and I'm just sad much of the time. Of course, God is working to show me sooo much about His love through (never around to avoid, but through!) the pain. I don't know why we all weren't just spared this pain (though I do not believe this was God's perfect will for Kyle's life, but His permissive will that He will nevertheless show His glory through- Devi theology 501 that I don't need folks to try to debate with me) but am struggling to see His hand of grace and mercy in each day we have left on earth until I see Him and Kyle face to face.
So, if you wonder why I'm passionate about things that don't matter to others or that I can't seem to do things that are simple for others, please understand- my heart is broken and my energy is gone but I want desperately to save others from this pain. That combination is difficult for me to balance most of the time. I'm not sure what that looks like from the outside. I've heard that some folks think we're 'ok' and even had people tell me I'm doing 'great'. Trust me-none of this feels great. It hurts every single day and most every minute. I thought I'd just explain some of what's going on inside after almost two years of missing this amazing boy who loved me and taught me so much in 14 and a half short years. I do soooo appreciate those that pray for us all, take the time to listen and just 'be there', and support the suicide awareness issues and prevention activities we try to share. Those that make the difficult choice to share this road of pain are eternally precious to me. Thank you! 💜💜