(Originally Posted to Facebook September 11, 2016)
Four years ago today these pictures were taken. Kyle smashed on the field then hopped up with the band to play drums during the game after his.
For the rest of my life, I get to regret the times I won't get to watch him play football or listen to him play music. Suicide robbed me and everyone else of what we all enjoyed about Kyle and just simply Kyle himself. I won't forgive suicide. Ever. I forgive Kyle and even continue to work on forgiving anyone that knew he was struggling with depression he didn't let us, his parents/family, know about. But I will never forgive (nor am I called to) the evil of suicide and depression. I can choose to wage war on the evils that attack those I love and any around me that need help. This I do by sharing opportunities to be involved in awareness activities like the upcoming Out of the Darkness Walks, providing concerts to share hope for those hurting and just being available when I'm emotionally able to share hope and warnings with others. I miss my Kyle and grief overwhelms me lots (and I do mean lots). The smile you may see on my face isn't exactly fake; it just takes lots of internal work to put it there each day. I've noticed this grief in missing my baby has robbed me of the usual optimism I had before, my feelings are more easily hurt and I'm just sad much of the time. Of course, God is working to show me sooo much about His love through (never around to avoid, but through!) the pain. I don't know why we all weren't just spared this pain (though I do not believe this was God's perfect will for Kyle's life, but His permissive will that He will nevertheless show His glory through- Devi theology 501 that I don't need folks to try to debate with me) but am struggling to see His hand of grace and mercy in each day we have left on earth until I see Him and Kyle face to face.
So, if you wonder why I'm passionate about things that don't matter to others or that I can't seem to do things that are simple for others, please understand- my heart is broken and my energy is gone but I want desperately to save others from this pain. That combination is difficult for me to balance most of the time. I'm not sure what that looks like from the outside. I've heard that some folks think we're 'ok' and even had people tell me I'm doing 'great'. Trust me-none of this feels great. It hurts every single day and most every minute. I thought I'd just explain some of what's going on inside after almost two years of missing this amazing boy who loved me and taught me so much in 14 and a half short years. I do soooo appreciate those that pray for us all, take the time to listen and just 'be there', and support the suicide awareness issues and prevention activities we try to share. Those that make the difficult choice to share this road of pain are eternally precious to me. Thank you! 💜💜